Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Thanks for coming, now get out

image via

Dear Bashionista,

Let's say you're having a party and it's a smashing success - but now it's getting on to the wee hours of morning, most people have left, but there are some people there who just. will. not. leave. What is the etiquette here? How do you kick people out without making them feel like you're kicking them out?

Kyle K.

Dear Kyle,

I feel your pain. Sometimes a party is going great and you are thrilled that people want to keep things rocking until dawn. Other times, a party is going great but you got up 20 hours ago to start cleaning and cooking for this party, and all you want to do is go to bed. Here's how to keep things from ending on a sour note.

When the group has the stamina of a Russian army brigade:

Start cleaning up your apartment. Generally when the host starts gathering up empty beer bottles people get the idea that things are winding down. You get extra style points for this move because your guests may take this as a sign that you need help with cleanup. Win!

When you want to go to bed alone, but someone has a different agenda:

So you're single, and it's down to you and one person of the appropriate gender. Dawn is beginning to break, he's offering to pour you more of his specialty cocktails, and you could not be less interested. It's best to play this as though you are blissfully unaware of his intentions. Say something like, wow, I am EXHAUSTED. You're welcome to crash here if you need to - I can make you up a bed on the couch. Give the night a firm stop, but spare him the embarassment of an outright rejection.

When the last two people clearly want to go to bed with each other:

You've cleaned your entire apartment, and those last two guests have not gotten the message. Maybe it's two lovebirds who are willing to wait seven more hours until the perfect moment to make a move. Or maybe it's just a bromance, and these dudes are happy to discuss their ideas for a communist utopia until the local brunch place starts serving. Consider yourself relieved of your hosting duties! There's no shame in saying good night and telling them they can stay as long as they like.

When your ex-boyfriend's girlfriend has gotten drunk and locked herself in your only bathroom for the past three hours:

A host has to make decisions for the good of all. When your other guests have to piss off your back porch, it's time to pound on the door and tell her the party's over. Send her boyfriend in for an intervention while you call them a cab.

When your "friends" are being a bunch of jerks and will not leave:

Maybe your friends are so drunk they think a reenactment of Fight Club would be a really fun idea, maybe a boatload of drunken sailors have crashed the party and are bragging about their number of confirmed kills, or maybe you are ready to kill your friends but know you would regret that decision in the morning. If the party is seriously out of hand and no fun anymore, call for professional help: